Best Office Quotes Ever

Ryan: Did this happen on company property?

Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.

Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?

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Jim Halpert: Does that include 'that's what she said'?

Michael Scott: Mmhh, yes.

Jim Halpert: Wow that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.

Michael Scott: Mmmm... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

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Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know. There's gambling and alcohol... And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?

Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

Dwight Schrute: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time in now, check-out time is never.

Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?

Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.

Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?

Dwight Schrute: Sorry we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim Halpert: Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim Halpert: You're not the manager, even in your own fantasy?

Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner.. the co-owner. With Satan!

Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight Schrute: But I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim Halpert: Go.

Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars.

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Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.

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Jim Halpert: Where do you wanna go for dinner?

Pam Beesley: I donno I kind of hate all our regular places right now. [pause] Oh, you know what? That one--
[Jim stops and gets down on one knee]

Jim Halpert: Hey Pam. Will you wait for me one second, while I tie my shoe?

Pam Beesley: I hate you.
[Jim catches up to Pam, both laughing]

Jim Halpert: What! My shoe was untied. What is your problem? Oh my God! You thought I was- Oh, no no...

Pam Beesley: Ohh how could I have thought that? How could I have though that?

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Jim Halpert: [to Andy playing the Moroccan guitar] Hey.

Andy: What's up? Jim Halpert: You take requests?

Andy: Sure.

Jim Halpert: Please stop. Because we're, having a Christmas party. [walks away]

Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight Schrute: Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he doesn't actually know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. No. Jim tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!

Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.

Dwight Shrute: Damn you.

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Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?

Ryan: A dime and a nickel.

Dwight Schrute: ...No I said one of them is not a nickel-

Ryan: But the other one is, I've heard that before.

Dwight Schrute: Okay. A man and a son get into a car accident, they're rushed to the hospital. Doctor says, 'there's no way I can operate on this boy--

Ryan: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.

Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-

Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.

Dwight Schrute: A hunter-

Ryan: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.

Dwight Schrute: DAMMIT!

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Andy Bernard: Oh. By the way, 1985 called and it wants its car back.

Dwight Schrute: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine because I drive an '87.

Andy Bernard: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and guess what. Nobody came.

Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.

Andy Bernard: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.

Pam Beesly: Are those Michael's Levi's?

Ryan: Yeah. Who drycleans jeans?

Pam Beesly: Michael and his jeans... he gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens, but I can tell you he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.

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Michael Scott: Hey let me escort you to your desk.

Pam Beesly: Ok it's just... three or four steps but thank you. [sits down] Thank you.

Michael Scott: You and Jim are close, huh?

Pam Beesly: Yeah I think the pregnancy really brought us together.

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Pam Beesly: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

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Michael Scott: So what we do, is we drive all day, and we stay in a hotel together at night.

Pam Beesly: Separate rooms.

Michael Scott: Well that goes without saying.

Pam Beesly: I'm gonna say it anyway.

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Andy Bernard: Sabateur! Sabateur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game...the game is over, I'm really going to shoot you!

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Dwight Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of sales.

Dwight Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy Bernard: On the contrary.

Dwight Schrute: My title has "manager" in it.

Andy Bernard: And I'm a director. Which on a film set, is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Andy Bernard: Congratulations.

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Andy Bernard: I really Schruted it.

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Andy Bernard: [To Michael] I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses - hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown.

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Thanks for reading quotes from the best comedy ever. I plan on adding more soon so come back and check it out.

TΛyl0r

Lastly

Jim Halpert: Question. What kind of bear is best?

Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.

Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.

Dwight Schrute: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought--

Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight Schrute: Bears do not... What is going on?! What are you doing?!